Halloween is fast approaching and we have been having a terrible time deciding what to be. We want our costumes to go together to celebrate our upcoming collaborations, but since we’re several states apart, we have to be really creative or people won’t get it. What follows are some conversations we’ve had on the topic as we try to come to the most appropriate (and we use that term very subjectively) decision on our costumes.
Tamara: Phone trick-or-treating is a must. That way, we can both ask for candy simultaneously. I’m going to glue some frizzy red hair and a tiny clown nose to my phone so you have a built-in costume. What are you going to do?
Alistair: I’m going dress up my iPhone with some scars and fake blood to make him into a zombie. He can say, “Argghhhh give me brains!” and scare people. I shall call my phone Tamara, and I shall demand extra candy for your sake. Then, I will eat your candy when no one is looking.
Tamara: Or we could be each other’s imaginary friends. Or ghosts. When we say trick or treat through the phone we’d be all OOOOooooooh Tricccckk orrrrrr Treeaaaat! That might be scary, huh?
Alistair: Yes! The sky is the limit, really. There are lots of things we could go as. A razor and pubic hair for example.
Tamara: Or Little Bo Peep and her missing lamb, which also leads us to the priest and his missing choir boy. Alistair if we do that, you MUST wear underwear.
Alistair: You know I can’t make any promises.
Tamara: In that case, how about the Liberty Bell – you be the crack and I’ll be the bell – our costume will be heard throughout the land.
Alistair: Let freedom ring.
Tamara: Twig and berries? You could be the twig, and I could be the berries?
Alistair: That might work. Except I’m not quite twiggy enough this year to pull it off, I don’t think.
Tamara: Holmes and Watson hunting for each other.
Alistair: Yes! Or Cher and Dead Sonny – I will be Cher because I’m taller and I want to wear the head dress and the see-through gown. (And I won’t be wearing underwear for that!)
Tamara: Just gonna tuck it?
Tamara: Okay. I’ll be Sonny because I really enjoy being a mustache jockey. And we’ll go to each door and sing “I got you, babe,” then panic and yell, respectively, “Cher? Cher? Sonny, you little puissant, where are you? You missed your cue!”
Tamara Thorne: Jimmy Hoffa and a bag of cement!
Alistair: Lizzie Borden and her stepfather. I’ll have an axe coming out of my head, and you wear a bloody dress.
Tamara: Sperm and a tonsil. Or, better yet, sperm and a box of Kleenex. We could make a headdress out of Kleenex.
Alistair: We could always go as Thorne and Cross. You would have to have something pointy atop your glorious head. I would just have to walk around with my arms out and feet close together… which is pretty creepy.
Tamara: I know! We could be two serial killers on the prowl. We could dress as our favorite serial killers from our books. You be Sterling Bronson, I’ll be Jack the Ripper. And we could each show a picture of the other to the houses we visit and say, “Have you seen this killer?” As long as neither of us has to be the helpless victim… Helpless victims are boring.
Alistair: I agree. No victims.
Tamara: Wednesday and Pugsley Addams. Because sometimes being sexy like Morticia and Gomez just gets old, you know?
Alistair: Yes. Let’s not be “sexy” anyone. Yawn.
Tamara: Separated Siamese twins.
Alistair: Annie Wilkes and Paul Sheldon. We will have to do that one when we go trick-or-treating together though, so you could push me around in a wheelchair.
Tamara: Agreed! Danny Torrance and his talking finger.
Alistair: Okay, but I want to be the finger. I hate that little boy’s haircut.
Tamara: George C. Scott and the haunted wheelchair.
Alistair: The Changeling?
Tamara Thorne: Yes! You have to be the wheelchair.
Alistair: I don’t want to be a wheelchair. How does one even “be” a wheelchair for Halloween… let alone a haunted one?!
Tamara: Well, I’m not going as the wheelchair.
Alistair: Fine. Then we’ll go as Damien and his jackal mama.
Tamara: Or Rosemary and her baby – this would work especially well with the phone. We can wrap it in a blanket.
Alistair: And push it around in one of those bassinet-on-wheel things for babies!
Tamara: Yes! Or we could go as Dog Man and Tuxedo Man in The Shining. Or Carrie and Mother.
Alistair: Yes! Or, Carrie before and after!
Tamara: Alistair, you get to be the before because you’re prettier!
Alistair: Well, that’s no fun. I can wear a pink prom dress any time.
Tamara: Children of the Corn. One of us can wear a straw hat and overalls with a checked farm boy shirt and the other one can be a stalk with corn on it.
Alistair: What about Baby Jane and sister Blanche?
Tamara: We will need a silver tray, a dead bird, and a wheelchair.
Alistair: Ugh. Yet again, we’re faced with the wheelchair dilemma.
Tamara: How about we just put on our long black robes and cowls and be Candy Reapers and extort all the candy from the children?
Alistair: I get dibs on anything gummy.
Tamara: Skittles and Starburst for me.
Alistair: Well, now that we’ve settled this dilemma, what should we do for Thanksgiving?
Tamara: Be The Shining twins!